36. How in the world did I get to be 36? I remember waking up one year ago on my 35th birthday and all I could think about was that I was now officially “advanced maternal age” … a “high-risk pregnancy” .. we didn’t have a baby and we weren’t really trying or planning for one at that point. I remember so vividly wanting a baby so badly at the beginning of last year, it was all consuming… but not because I thought we were ready.. because I was “high-risk” and I thought my time was running out or even passed. I remember thinking throughout last year “by my 36th birthday I will for sure have a baby so it will be okay!” Once again I woke up yesterday on my 36th birthday with no baby… but this year it was different.
Somewhere along my journey in my 35th year the Lord brought so much peace to my heart. He taught me and is still teaching me how to surrender fully. How to enjoy my journey. How to enjoy my husband and our season together. How to celebrate others and what season they are in without jealous and questioning in my heart. Just peace. Peace that I could never understand and didn’t even realize until I woke up this morning with the words “advanced maternal age” on my heart once again. But this year that felt different. Those words didn’t weigh on my heart as heavy as they used to. I was OKAY that I was waking up today in the season that I am in and I am going to continue to celebrate and live each season to the fullest. I don’t want to miss the gift of today wishing and hoping for my tomorrows. I wasted time doing that for WAY too long in my life already 🙂
While I was laying in bed thinking about this I began to think how “advance maternal age” or “high-risk” doesn’t only apply to carrying a physical baby. I know that in my heart there are dreams and desires and visions that I have for my life that have yet to be birthed. I know that at times I feel like they are never going to happen, or I am too old now to pursue that or how “high of a risk” it would be if I did. Or what if I try and I can’t do it. What if I can’t give birth to that dream.. what if I can’t carry it…what if I fail. The Lord brought this verse to my mind..
And I am certain that God, who began the good work within you, will continue his work until it is finally finished on the day when Christ Jesus returns – Philippians 1:6 NLT
He is faithful. He is good. He is going to complete what He started in me.. and in you too. If I have learned anything at all in my journey so far, it’s that it doesn’t happen in my time it happens in His. When my character is more like Him. When I have matured in Him to be able to fully carry and give birth to what all He has planned for me. It may not happen today, but I believe His Word to be true and I believe Him to be faithful. So what I CAN do today is become more like Him. I can fully surrender myself to the season that He has me in. I can learn and grow and trust that He is working on my behalf to bring forth His good plans for my life (Jer 29:11; Rom 8:28) I can be faithful right where He has me right now… and so can you.
That doesn’t mean that I just stay in this season and get stuck. That means I am serving faithfully, fully and joyfully where I am right now but I am continuing to grow, strive and perfect the things that I hope to do, the dreams that I have. I am striving to become more like Christ so when His time for me is right I can carry and give birth to what He has for me.. and you can too. What I have learned when I strive to live this way is that He gives so much peace. He gives so much joy. It’s amazing how when we live surrendered lives the weight of the world lifts. The pressure of who we think we are supposed to be or have to be… lifts. The work we do that used to drain us… fills us. Why? Because we are not doing it for ourselves anymore, we are not forcing something to happen before it is time anymore, we are trusting in His timing and plan for us… we are doing it surrendered to Him and IT CHANGES EVERYTHING. I am 100% living proof of that and I know that it will change everything for you too.
Are there hard days still.. of course..it’s life on planet earth.. not heaven. Do I want to be traveling the world like Kari Jobe still.. yes..duh. Do I wish the Lord would work in my timing.. YES! Always! Do I wish I was at a baseball park watching our twin boys play on a Saturday morning, YES! (BTW you can add twin boys to your prayer list for me if you ever think about it haha! TIA) But I am okay where I am at and I am choosing to enjoy every second of it because life truly is a gift from Lord and gave His life up so I could have mine… so why should I wish any of it away! I trust that His time and plan is so much better than mine and when I deal with those thoughts I remember that and then there is peace once again. And the same can be true for you today. I 100% believe that with all of my heart!
Today, I am praying for every single person who reads this. I pray that whatever you are waiting to give birth to, whether that be a physical birth of a child, a dream, or both (like me!) that the Lord brings you peace today. That you can rest in His timing and fully surrender to it. I pray that today as you go through your normal weekday routine you find joy and fullness that you didn’t even know existed or could exist in the season that you are in right now. I pray that the lies of the enemy that are in your head, that you may be too old, high risk or whatever it is will be replaced by God’s Word and love today. That you are fully known, fully loved and that He does have good plans for your life, that He is good, and that He is faithful to complete what He started in you. I pray today you can fully surrender, fully trust and live fully in the joy and peace that He wants to give you today as you continue along your journey.